When it is someone else
For family and friends
You cannot make another adult stop drinking, and no approach exists that reliably makes someone willing before they are. What you can do: stop making it easier to keep going, say once and plainly what you have seen, make sure they know where the meetings are — and get support for yourself.
You are welcome at any open A.A. meeting, whether or not you have ever had a drink problem. Al-Anon is a separate free fellowship for families and friends of alcoholics, and it does not require the drinker to have stopped, to be in A.A., or even to know you are going. The district answering service is (814) 283-4772, and it is a fine number to call about somebody else.
The hard part first
You have probably already tried reasoning, pleading, threatening, hiding bottles, counting drinks, and being extremely patient. None of it worked, and it was not because you did it badly. People stop when they become willing, and nobody has yet found a way to install willingness in another person from outside.
That is bleak on its own, so here is the other half: people do become willing, often after the person who tried hardest had stopped expecting it. What you do in the meantime matters — mostly for you, and sometimes, later, for them.
What tends to help
- Stop softening the consequences. Calling in sick for them, covering the bills, cleaning it up, smoothing it over with the family — every one of those makes the present arrangement survivable. This is the hardest item on the list and the one members most often name as the thing that mattered.
- Say it once, plainly, when they are sober. What you have seen, how it affects you, and what you will and will not do. Not a speech and not a repeat performance every week.
- Leave the door visibly open. A phone number on the fridge. Themeeting list where they will find it. So that when the moment arrives, they are not also facing a research problem.
- Look after yourself as though it counted, because it does. See below.
What tends not to
Arguing with someone who has been drinking — they will not remember it and you will. Ultimatums you will not carry out, which teach that your limits are negotiable. Monitoring, searching and counting, which turns you into the police and them into a smuggler. And big staged confrontations: A.A. takes no official position, but members' experience is that a calm, consistent, unsurprising stance does more over time than one dramatic scene.
Go to an open meeting yourself
This is the most underused suggestion on this page. Anyone may attend an open meeting — you do not need to be an alcoholic, you do not have to speak, and you do not have to explain why you came. An hour in a room where twenty people describe from the inside what you have been watching from the outside tends to explain more than any amount of reading.
It also, quietly, tells you what would be waiting for them.
Al-Anon is for you
Al-Anon is a separate fellowship, not part of A.A., for the families and friends of alcoholics. It is free and anonymous. It does not require the drinker to have stopped, to be in A.A., or to know that you are going. Alateen is the same thing for younger family members.
Al-Anon's own shorthand is the three Cs: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. Find meetings at al-anon.org, which has a finder for this area.
If you are frightened right now
If they are trying to stop and are physically dependent, read stopping safely — withdrawal from heavy daily drinking can be medically dangerous and sometimes needs a doctor first. If there is a seizure, confusion or hallucination, call 911. If you are worried they may hurt themselves, call or text 988.
And if you just want to talk to somebody who has lived on both sides of this, call (814) 283-4772. A member will answer. You do not have to be the one with the problem to use that number.
Common questions
How can I get someone to stop drinking?
You cannot make another adult stop, and A.A. members will tell you that from long experience of being on the other side of it. What you can do is stop making it easier to keep going, say plainly and once what you have seen and how it affects you, make sure they know where the meetings are, and get support for yourself. That last one is not selfish — it is the part you actually have control over.
Can I go to an A.A. meeting if I am not an alcoholic?
Yes, to an open meeting. Anyone may attend one — spouses, parents, adult children, friends and people who are simply curious. Many people find that an hour in an open meeting explains more than months of reading. Closed meetings are for people who have a desire to stop drinking.
What is Al-Anon and how is it different from A.A.?
Al-Anon is a separate fellowship for the families and friends of alcoholics. A.A. is for the drinker; Al-Anon is for everybody around them, whether or not the drinker ever stops. It is free, anonymous, and does not require the alcoholic to be in recovery or to know you are going. Alateen is the same thing for younger family members. Find meetings at al-anon.org.
Should I stage an intervention?
A.A. has no official position, but the collective experience of members is that dramatic confrontations less often produce lasting change than a steady, honest, unsurprising position held over time — and that the moment someone becomes willing is rarely the moment somebody else picked. Being clear, calm and consistent tends to do more than one big scene.
Is it my fault, or something I can fix?
No, on both counts. Al-Anon puts it as the three Cs: you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. That is not a way of saying give up — it is a way of saying stop spending your strength on the parts that were never yours to move.
What if they will not admit anything is wrong?
Very common, and it does not mean nothing can be done. You can still stop covering for them, still say what you see, still leave the meeting list where they will find it, and still go to Al-Anon yourself. People do come round, often long after the person who tried had given up expecting it.