Finding a sponsor
What it is, and how to ask without dying of embarrassment
An A.A. sponsor is a member who has been sober a while and agrees to take you through the twelve steps one to one. They are not a counsellor, a therapist or a boss — just someone further along the same road who has agreed to answer the phone. It costs nothing, there is no application, and no formal arrangement.
You ask by asking. After a meeting, to someone whose sharing made sense to you: "Would you be willing to sponsor me?" That is the entire script. Most members suggest finding one within your first few meetings rather than waiting until you feel ready, and you can change sponsors later without any fuss.
What a sponsor is
One alcoholic who has agreed to help another, individually and for free. They have done the twelve steps and will take you through them the way somebody took them. They will tell you what they did, not what you must do. And they will be straight with you in a way that people who love you often cannot afford to be.
What a sponsor is not: a therapist, a doctor, a bank, a chauffeur, an emergency service, or somebody with authority over your life. If it starts to feel like any of those, something has gone wrong and it is fixable.
Why bother
Because the steps are difficult to do honestly on your own, and because the specific thing that gets people through the first months is usually one person they can call at nine at night. Members asked what made the difference name a sponsor more than almost anything else.
How to pick one
Two rules of thumb, and they are both simpler than they sound:
- Someone whose sharing made sense to you. Not the most impressive person in the room — the one who said something you recognised.
- Someone who has what you would like to have. Not possessions. The way they seem to be handling being alive.
Beyond that: somebody who has been sober a good while, who has a sponsor themselves, who actually turns up regularly, and who you can imagine being completely honest with. The usual suggestion is that men sponsor men and women sponsor women, so the relationship stays about staying sober.
Asking
This is the part everybody dreads, so here is all of it: wait until the meeting has broken up, walk over, and say "Would you be willing to sponsor me?"
You will not be the first person to ask them and you will not be imposing. Being asked is generally taken as a compliment, and helping another alcoholic is understood in A.A. as something the sponsor needs too, not a favour they are doing you.
If they say no — usually because they are already sponsoring several people — they will almost certainly walk you over to somebody else there and then. A no is not a verdict on you.
If you cannot face asking anybody yet, ask for a temporary sponsor instead. Saying "would you be a temporary sponsor while I find my feet?" is easier to say and easier to answer, and temporary very often turns into permanent without either of you mentioning it.
What happens next
Usually: you swap numbers, they suggest you call daily for a while, and you arrange to meet and start reading. Some sponsors are structured, some are not. It is fine to ask early what they expect — how often to call, what they want you to read, what they will do if you drink. Knowing beats guessing.
Call when things are fine, not only when they are not. It is much easier to phone somebody at a bad moment if you have already phoned them at ordinary ones.
If it is not working
Change sponsors. People move away, get busy, or turn out not to fit, and no explanation is required beyond a brief honest one. This is common, unremarkable, and nobody will take a side. What is not worth doing is quietly drifting off and out of the meetings along with it.
Read more
A.A.'s own pamphletQuestions and Answers on Sponsorship is the standard text on this and is free to read or print. There are more in the pamphlet library.
And the practical first step is simply to be in a room with people: find a meeting, or call (814) 283-4772 and say you are looking for a sponsor. Somebody will point you at the right meeting for it.
Common questions
What is an A.A. sponsor?
A member who has been sober a while and agrees to work through the twelve steps with you one to one. They are not a counsellor, a therapist, a sober companion or a boss — they are somebody a few steps further along the same road who has agreed to answer the phone. There is no cost and no formal arrangement.
How do I ask someone to be my sponsor?
Out loud, after a meeting: "Would you be willing to sponsor me?" That is the whole script. Pick somebody whose sharing made sense to you and who has what you would like to have. If they say no or are already sponsoring too many people, they will almost always suggest someone else on the spot.
When should I get a sponsor?
Sooner than feels comfortable. A common suggestion is to ask somebody within the first few meetings, even as a temporary sponsor. Waiting until you are sure tends to mean waiting a long time, usually alone.
What does a sponsor actually do?
Takes your calls, meets up with you, and takes you through the twelve steps as they were taken through them. They will share their own experience rather than give instructions, and they will be honest with you in a way that friends and family often cannot afford to be.
Does a sponsor cost anything?
No. Nothing is ever charged for anything in A.A. If somebody asks you for money to sponsor you, they are not doing A.A. sponsorship — walk away and tell somebody at the meeting.
Can I change sponsors?
Yes, at any time and without a confrontation. It is a common and unremarkable thing to do. People outgrow a sponsor, move town, or simply find the fit was wrong. You do not owe anyone a permanent arrangement.
Should my sponsor be the same sex as me?
The usual suggestion is men sponsor men and women sponsor women — mainly so that the relationship stays about staying sober. Members outside that binary generally choose whoever they can be honest with, which is the underlying principle anyway.